My Vulnerability

This is something I've been feeling a need to write about. I've hesitated doing it for many reasons. For one thing, it doesn't exactly go with the theme of my blog, and for another it's extremely personal. It's something that's been deeply ingrained as part of my life for over 15 years now.

My husband is chronically ill.

We have five children and we struggle just to get by.

He's been diagnosed with both Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. As far as we know he's had varying degrees of these illnesses for about 20 years now. I've known him for 15 years and we've been married for 12 ½ years.

He was relatively healthy when we were dating. His health goes in waves. He has periods of relatively good health and periods of severe illness. He has depression, pain on a daily basis, struggles to fall asleep and stay asleep, and working full time has become impossible. He was recently awarded disability status with the government after a two-year process of applications, three denials, appeals, and finally a hearing before a judge. He'll start receiving financial compensation for that. We think the disability income will make it possible for us to barely be able to pay our own living expenses, but we won't know for sure until we start receiving it.

We live on very little. The only debt we have are his student loans which are currently in deferment. We own one vehicle which is 18 years old and getting too small for our family, and we don't know how or when we'll be able to get a larger one. We've never owned a home and we get by on assistance programs to help us with rent, food, and medical coverage.

I do a lot of things to help make ends meet. I cook the majority of our meals from scratch. We don't eat out. I make my own laundry detergent. I clean with food items (vinegar, lemons, baking soda, etc.) that we can get through our assistance. We use cloth diapers because we can't afford to buy disposable diapers. I don't use paper products like napkins or paper towels. We use real towels and wash cloths that can be washed and reused. I use a Diva Cup. Our kids' clothes are all hand-me-downs from cousins, and most of our furniture are also hand-me-downs and outdated. If we need to go somewhere that's within walking distance I make an effort to walk with the kids. I'm sure there are other things I do that I can't think of at the moment.

I've found that these things help us save a lot of money, but they also help give me a greater sense of self-sufficiency. It sounds like an oxymoron to say that I'm striving to be self-sufficient when we're in a situation where we depend so much on assistance from government programs and friends and family. I have to do every little thing I can to feel that I'm at least doing something to contribute to our family's well-being, and these things help.

We don't have any credit cards. We don't buy anything we can't afford, and there's very little we can afford. I work doing freelance writing because I can do it from home. It's not enough to support our family, but it helps pay for gasoline and some other necessities. I make enough money each month with my essential oil business to pay for my monthly order, which is a blessing to my family's health.

I've tried to work hourly jobs, but it hasn't worked for us. My husband isn't currently well enough to take care of the kids for me to work outside of the home. We decided early in our marriage that we wouldn't put our kids in day care, and our family that live close by all have their own families and health issues to take care of so we can't rely on them to help take care of our kids. We feel strongly that it's the parents' responsibility to raise the children, and that has been a conscious effort for us.

I still owe money to my midwife for her services during my last baby's birth almost two years ago. Thankfully she's understanding and willing to work with us.

I'm not looking for pity, and I'm not really sure why I'm writing about this. I just feel a need to get it out there. Maybe there are others out there in similar situations who can relate on some level.

I can honestly say that I love my life. While it's extremely difficult, I've come to realize that no matter a person's financial well-being or circumstances, every person on the earth has something that's extremely difficult for them. When I hear about the struggles that other people go through I feel deeply sorry for them, and it helps me appreciate my own life and all the trials that come with it. I wouldn't change anything about the choices I've made and the steps that have brought me to this point in my life.

I have hope for the future. I hope that a full recovery may lie in my husband's future, and if not, that we'll be able to keep moving forward and appreciate each day. That's one thing I've learned: to try to appreciate every little thing. I get depressed at times and really feel sorry for myself, but when I think about the wonderful things in my life I feel happy.

Most of the best things are the intangible, immaterial parts of my life. Living in a beautiful area with varying seasons. The Rocky Mountains, sunshine, and fresh air. Knowing who I am and understanding that the work I do as a mother of raising my children is the most important work I'll do in my entire lifetime. Seeing my children grow each day and watching their developments. Hearing the words they speak, seeing their bright smiles, and all the crazy things they do. The kisses, hugs, and snuggles. Little hands, tiny toes. Watching them learn and excel academically and seeing their personalities continue to unfold. My religion and connection with God and my Savior Jesus Christ.

My husband spends much of his time at home and often can't go places with us. I've heard people comment that I'm like a single mom, because most of the time people only see me and the kids. I firmly disagree. Even if he can't do the physical things to support us, I have his support. He backs me up emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He encourages me to do the things that are most important to me, and he honors me as his wife and the mother of his children. He gets to spend a lot of time with his kids when other kids' dads are spending countless hours at work.

It's not ideal, but I don't think anyone leads an ideal life. It's MY life, and I'm grateful for it.

Coming Into My Own

It's been over two years since I started this blog, and I think I'm finally starting to learn what I'm actually doing with it.

When I started in October 2008 I wanted to provide a place where expectant parents could find information about pregnancy and birth. I wanted to avoid writing about myself, but to be a source of positive uplifting information, and I was hoping to provide it in an unbiased fashion. That's proven kind of hard to do, especially because I'm naturally biased by my own experiences and opinions. I've done my best, and I'm happy with what I've done so far. The most fulfilling thing for me is when someone thanks me and tells me that I've helped them in some way. That's really what I want to do: help others and touch as many lives as possible.

Along the way I've found other really great blogs that exemplify different aspects of what I would have wanted to do with this blog. I'll just name a few:

• I like Birth Faith for the amazing in-depth information Busca provides on each subject she writes about. Her posts are based on her personal studies and she's able to back it all up. She also has a really interesting point of view and isn't afraid to look at things from a different angle.
• Rachel from The Beginning of Motherhood is another blog I found that gives me a unique point of view, and I like that she's a labor and delivery nurse who supports women in natural birth as much as possible. She doesn't post as often as some other bloggers, but what she posts is always interesting. She also relies a lot on research, which is something I struggle with personally, so I find it really helpful to have a resource like that available. She recently quit her job as a nurse to focus on supporting women as a birth doula, and I'm excited to see where this leads her.
• Sheridan from Enjoy Birth is a Hypnobabies instructor, doula, and mother of three. I always appreciate her point of view and birth stories she posts. She is down to earth and provides a lot of good informational resources.
• Stand and Deliver is another amazing blog that I found myself drawn to. Rixa is well-educated and well-written and she always has something interesting to say. I appreciate the quirky mix of personal and educational posts, and I appreciate that she had an unassisted birth with her first baby, and that she follows her heart and does what she feels is best for each pregnancy. She also backs up everything she says by provided resources along with the information.
• Mama Birth is a blog I've come to appreciate more recently. She is a talented writer, and she seems to capture the hearts of many women when she writes about her own personal feelings and experiences in a way that enfolds her readers. When she writes about her emotional struggles with raising several small children, other women can relate to her situation and they feel validated by it.
• The Midwife Thinking always writes really great informational posts, kind of like what I wish I could write, simply informing people about real physiological birth. She tells us what real birth is like when it's not being interfered upon constantly by doctors or nurses. She debunks the common medical practices and explains things in simple terms that anyone can understand.
• The Unnecesarean is a great source of information. Jill and her co-contributors always stay on top of the latest pregnancy and birth news, and they write about it. The posts are edgy, which I appreciate, and they always give me something to think about. They don't tell anyone what to think or do, but I think they push their readers to take matters into their own hands and make more informed choices.

There are many other really great blogs I haven't mentioned, and I don't have the time or space to describe them all here. Many times the information I post is based on what I read on other blogs, and I really don't know what I would do without these amazing resources.

As I've been writing this blog I've gone through a lot personally. I had my own amazing surprise breech home birth in 2009, which transformed me as a woman and a pregnancy and birth supporter. I went on to have two miscarriages in 2010, one of which was only a few weeks ago.

Through writing about my miscarriages I've realized some of my strengths. I feel that I've touched more lives through the personal posts I've written about my experiences. I feel more fulfilled by these types of post than I do by any others. I've come to use my blog as a personal journal of sorts and a tool for processing and healing, and others have responded in positive ways to that.

In the beginning I avoided writing anything too personal. I didn't think anyone cared to read about me and my emotional self, and I felt self conscious about putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable. However, I've found that when I do put myself out there I find an amazing support network of compassionate people, and that is very humbling and comforting. I'm also able to connect with other women who have gone through something similar. We can console each other and provide validation that can't be found elsewhere. My personal experiences have given me something to build on, and I want to take advantage of that.

In the process I've learned something about myself and my blog. I'm not going to be a Sheridan, Busca, Rachel, Rixa, Jill, Mama Birth, or Midwife Thinking. I can't be any of them, and I don't need to try to make my blog like their blogs. Each blogger provides their own perspective and utilizes their own strengths and talents.

So Mamas and Babies is becoming a lot more personal. You've probably noticed it's already started to be that way. Don't look to me for the factual data-supported information, because that's not what I'm good at. If that's what you're looking for, I'll happily point you to another blogger who fills that need exceptionally well. I'll still post information as I come across it, and provide links to great pregnancy and birth resources that we can benefit from.

I'm an emotional and spiritual creature and I make many of my decisions based on my feelings and personal inspiration, which is generally (but not always) based on factual information. I'll be raw and honest, and I'll tell you exactly what it's like... from my perspective.

The Roller Coaster: Perspective

This is the seventh post in a special bi-weekly series.  It's a sequel to The Longest Weekend of My Life series.  Please check back next Wednesday for Part 8.

Part 7: Perspective

Sunday was much better than Saturday. Emotionally I was more balanced, and I wasn't having heavy bleeding or physical discomfort other than a headache, which was resolved with some essential oils. We went to church and I enjoyed the distraction as well as the spiritual environment. I found myself struggling to focus, but I accepted that and just tried to appreciate the present and let myself be in the moment. After church I took a nap and focused on spending the day with family.

I was encouraged by the positive feedback I received when various friends responded to my facebook status update and story. Some said they were hoping and praying for us, and some offered information about how bleeding during pregnancy could be completely safe. There were friends I hadn't personally heard from in a long time, and it was wonderful to hear from them in a time when I felt I needed as much support as I could get.

As I thought about things, I had a small revelation. I realized if I hadn't had any pelvic pain things would be very different. If I hadn't gone to Instacare I would have simply waited things out and would have thought I was just having a late period. I'd have had no idea I was pregnant and wouldn't have gone through all of this emotional turmoil. That thought could have made me wish things had played out differently, that maybe I could have just gone through this in ignorant bliss. However, it helped give me some perspective. I felt that everything had happened this way for a purpose, and that I was learning and growing because of it. It also helped me to see the normalcy of my situation and to have more patience in understanding that even though I didn't have all the answers in the moment, the answers would come, eventually.

Part 1: Looking Up

Part 2: Seeing Red

Part 3: Malaise

Part 4: Possibilities

Part 5: Break Down

Part 6: Support

Part 7: Perspective

Part 8: Normal?

Part 9: Hindsight

Part 10: Shift

Part 11: Empty

Why a Doula is Better Than Your Best Friend

This article by Birthing Hands of DC on facebook is really good! It discusses why sometimes family and medical staff are not enough support or the right kind of support a woman needs in labor and birth.

Why a Doula is Better Than Your Best Friend

In my own experiences I've found what this woman writes to be absolutely true. I've had some friends tell me "I don't need a doula. My husband is a great labor coach, and he is all I need." My response to that is that my husband is a fantastic labor coach as well, but it always helps to have another set of hands and an unattached, unbiased, knowledgeable person there to support me.

What is a DOULA?

The Greek word doula means woman caregiver. We now use the word to describe a trained and experienced labor companion who provides the woman and her husband or partner continuous emotional support, physical comfort and assistance in obtaining information before, during and just after childbirth.

A postpartum doula provides care to a family with a newborn baby.

A birth doula...

...recognizes birth as a key life experience that the mother will remember all her life...

...understands the physiology of birth and the emotional needs of a woman in labor...

...assists the woman and her partner in preparing for and carrying out their plans for the birth...

...stays by the side of the laboring woman throughout the entire labor...

...provides emotional support, physical comfort measures, an objective viewpoint, and assistance to the
woman in getting the information she needs to make good decisions...

...facilitates communication between the laboring woman, her partner, and clinical care providers...

...perceives her role as one who nurtures and protects the woman's memory of her birth experience.

The acceptance of doulas in maternity care is growing rapidly with the recognition of their important contribution to the improved physical outcomes and emotional well being of mothers and infants.

Definition from the DONA International approved Doula training manual.