This is the sixth post in a special bi-weekly series. It's a sequel to The Longest Weekend of My Life series. Please check back next Saturday for Part 7.
Part 6: Support
After my break down on Saturday I chatted online with a good friend of mine who is another pregnancy/birth blogger. I think she felt the despair in my words and tried to help me feel better. I knew I was in a dark place and I appreciated her support but felt bad for her having been put in that position. She told me she had to go, but what she did next was the best thing she could have done for me in that moment. She posted a question on her facebook fan page asking for experiences from women who have bled during pregnancy and gone on to have healthy viable pregnancies and babies. I think at least a dozen women responded, describing their personal experiences with bleeding during pregnancy. I had no idea it was so common, and that helped me realize that my despair was probably at least a little bit disproportionate to the situation.
I had decided to turn my personal writings of this experience into a blog series. I thought that by publishing one portion each Saturday it would allow my story to unfold slowly to my readers and give me time to figure things out and maybe somehow find a resolution to the whole thing. I felt strongly that I needed to not only keep writing, but to share it with everyone I could. I felt that this was part of the purpose of what I was going through. I knew it couldn't possibly be the whole purpose, but being able to find an impetus to move forward and try to help others by sharing my struggle gave me strength, resolve and greater peace.
That evening I made a difficult decision. I had a strong feeling I should share my entire thus-far unfinished story with my family and personal friends on facebook. Oddly, I still didn't feel comfortable making a simple phone call to family members or friends to let them know what I was going through. By breaking the news in this manner I felt safer opening myself up to the masses. I prayed, asking if this was really what I should do, and I felt it was. Even as I typed my personal status update I was nervous:
“Most people wait until the threat of miscarriage has passed, but I'm no good at keeping quiet. There's a chance I could lose this pregnancy, and I don't want to go through this any longer in silence.”
My heart fluttered and I had to step away from the computer without sending the message. I took a moment to collect myself and then I came back and pressed the send button. I then posted a comment on my status explaining the situation very briefly and letting everyone know that I'd been writing as a form of therapy and would post everything I'd written so far for my friends to read if they wanted to. Then I spent the next half hour or so transferring my writings from the word processor into notes on facebook.
I felt that having my friends and family read what I'd written would be easier than trying to explain the situation individually. I understood that some people might be off-put that I didn't approach them individually, but this was part of my coping and healing and it was how I needed to do it.
I talked with my husband that evening, partially to give him a warning that I had just announced to our little world about everything we were currently going through, and he understood. He reminded me that part of how I process and heal is by being able to talk openly about what I'm going through, and this meant having my entire support system available. I loved him even more for understanding that about me, even though it's not how he functions himself. I reflected on how we'd connected in deeper ways over the past week, and it had given me glimpses of how much we really get each other. A different facet of our love was emerging.