Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts

Monday, August 15, 2011

Confession

I can't sleep, and I'm alone with my thoughts. This means I have time to think about all the stuff that briefly passes through my mind during the day when I don't have the time to consider it.

Foremost on my mind: TWINS

I seem to be carrying larger than usual with this pregnancy, enough that I myself have wondered if I might be carrying multiples. It's not logical. There's no family history of multiples that I'm aware of, and I haven't undergone fertility treatments or done anything else I'm aware of that could increase my chances of having twins. But the thought is there, and it keeps coming back.

I've scheduled an ultrasound in a few weeks. I really want to confirm or rule out this thought. I don't think I'd be surprised to find I'm further along than I thought (despite my dates) or that there is more than one baby in there, simply because of the size of my belly.

Is this crazy? Maybe. I never claimed to be sane, especially during pregnancy. In fact, I believe pregnancy gives me the right to be a crazy lady. I can't seem to control it anyway.

What if I'm carrying twins?

My birth plans wouldn't change. I'd still plan a home birth. In fact, my midwife has already promised me that she'd be hands off even if I had twins. Her words, not mine. She's a very intuitive woman. Does she have some kind of inkling she hasn't told me about yet? Hmmm. I may have to ask her at some point.

What would change? Mainly, we'd need a bigger vehicle and we'd have to move. It's in our lease agreement that we can't live here with more than 6 children, so we'd have to start looking for a new place to live. We just bought a van a few months ago that has 8 seats. Yeah, we'd have to sell that and start looking for something bigger. I might end up with one of those full size vans that seats 12 or 15. Think of the space!

Am I scared? Not particularly. I'm grateful for whatever we'll be given, even if that means two babies for the price of one. I have no clue how I'd handle the logistics of 7 children under the age of 12, the youngest 2 being twins. Yeah, things would definitely be interesting, even more so than they are now, in our house. But we can handle whatever we get, whether we think we can or not. I'm stronger and more capable than I give myself credit for.

So there it is. My pregnancy confession. Now, how sheepish would I feel if we have the ultrasound and find that there's only one baby in there? Oh well. At least we could keep our van and our home, and I already know I can handle one baby at a time.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Pregnancy and Health Gadgets



Blood Pressure Monitor
 I love gadgets, and when I can get gadgets that help with my family's health, it's even more fun!

My midwife recommended I get an automatic blood pressure monitor. I have a cuff and stethoscope and I'm comfortable taking my blood pressure with that, but she felt the automatic monitor might be easier and more accurate. It was like Christmas to get one and bring it home.
Traditional
Blood Pressure Cuff
She also suggested that I get my own doppler to listen to fetal heart tones. I already have a fetoscope that I haven't been able to use yet, because I'm not far enough along yet. A fetoscope can be used starting around 18-20 weeks, and I'm really looking forward to trying mine out. I love that the fetoscope doesn't use electricity or sound waves like the doppler, but I think a doppler would still be fun to have, especially since I plan on becoming a midwife and would like to have one for my future practice. I'm not sure how much I'd use a doppler versus a fetoscope, but I'd like to get some practice with both, especially the fetoscope since it takes some skill, or at least a trained ear, to use.
Doppler
Fetoscope

I don't have a history of blood pressure problems or other pregnancy complications, but I'm getting these things as part of my plan to take charge of my prenatal health. As I talked with my midwife about these things yesterday she also suggested that I bring home the file she started for me, and use that to track my prenatal health. She asked me to bring the file to each of the five prenatal visits and she said:

"You're responsible, which is really true for everyone, but they don't always take that responsibility."
And that statement pretty much sums it up for me.

Friday, July 29, 2011

15 Weeks - Prenatal Visit and Plans

Midwife Ina May Gaskin at a prenatal visit.
I keep meaning to blog about my first prenatal visit, and it turns out I have more than that to talk about. Things are coming together, and I'm very excited.

I'll start about prenatal care.

I intentionally waited to schedule my first prenatal visit. Because of my two miscarriages I didn't want to try to find a heart rate at any point when being able to find one would be questionable. For instance, at 10 weeks with a doppler it's possible to get fetal heart tones, but it doesn't always happen. I didn't want to set my hopes up for something that might not work out even if things were still fine. If I hadn't been able to hear a heart beat at that point, it would have only caused more questions and doubts about the viability of my pregnancy, and I couldn't deal with any doubt. I was focusing on the positive and moving forward without fear. There were other factors in choosing to put off my first prenatal visit, but it was mostly that I felt things were OK and I didn't feel a need to have an official visit. I was already consulting with my midwife over the phone, and she had already helped me with some of my needs by offering advice, information, and alternatives I might not have considered myself. That shifted in my 14th week. Out of the blue I felt it was time to call my midwife and schedule a prenatal visit, so I did.


I took all my kids with me to Sherri's house, thinking they'd be happy to play there and that they could all gather around to hear the heart beat when it was time. Not so much. My toddler had just woken from a short nap and was grumpy. The other kids were fine, but the toddler refused to calm down. We didn't know where his pacifier was - I thought we'd left it at home - and he was MAD. Sherri and I were trying to start the prenatal visit and he just screamed at me. About halfway through the visit he found a Spiderman mask, and from that moment on he was Spiderman and he was happy. Phew! I had to laugh when Sherri's 5 year-old (her youngest) who owned the mask kept asking for it back and telling me how "crazy" my toddler was. Yes, welcome to my life.

On to the more important things. My weight was good, and exactly where I knew it was. I had bought a scale when I was thinking I'd have an unassisted pregnancy, so I'd been watching my weight. My blood pressure was nice and low (108/69 - normal for me), and the urinalysis was perfect! When I was pregnant with my youngest I had problems spilling ketones in my urine, meaning I wasn't getting enough nutrition, probably because I was still trying to breastfeed my fourth child at the time and it was such a struggle to meet my body's demands. My midwife counseled me endlessly during that pregnancy about eating more and eating healthier. I was so glad to have avoided that whole conversation this time!

She was able to find the baby's heart rate immediately, and it was 158 beats per minute.

Ina May Gaskin checking FHT with a fetoscope.
I don't remember everything we talked about. She asked if I was taking my nutritional supplements (yes) and how I was feeling. When I told her that I was still fatigued she asked about my sleep schedule and suggested more naps and going to bed earlier. 

Sherri was about to wrap things up and I said "Oh yeah, one more thing!" I told her about how I'd originally wanted to plan an unassisted birth for this baby, and how my husband hadn't felt comfortable about that and we'd decided to hire her again. I explained my reasons for wanting a UC and she listened and promised me that she would be as hands off as I want her to be. At the end of the visit she reminded me of her fees and asked me to talk with my husband and figure out how we would be able to pay her. I told her we would and thanked her, and we scheduled the next visit in 4 weeks. Then I gathered my kids and cleaned up the mess they'd made, and we went home.

I was happy about how the visit had gone, with the exception of the angry toddler. I was grateful for my midwife's support and felt very reassured that all was well with both me and the baby.

And here's where there's more.


About a week after the prenatal visit Sherri called me. She said she'd been thinking about what I told her about wanting an unassisted birth, and about our financial situation. She's a dear friend to us, and she knows our circumstances and has always been willing to work with us. She told me she thought that part of my motivation for wanting a UC was because of finances. She was right, but I had been afraid to admit that to myself until she pointed it out. She agreed that I have a lot of knowledge and understanding about pregnancy and birth and understood that I felt comfortable moving forward without outside support. She also pointed out that at my home birth there was a lot happening behind the scenes that I wasn't aware of. I had thought about that before and realized it was wonderful to just focus and be in labor la la land without worrying about setting up, cleaning up, and all the nitty gritty.



Sherri then offered an alternative plan.

She had talked with one of her midwife assistants and had made arrangements for this assistant to work with her in giving me 5 prenatal visits through my pregnancy, attend the birth, and provide one postpartum visit. They would also provide phone consultation throughout the pregnancy. She offered me this for a significantly lower cost than what my midwife normally charges.

The visits would be at the assistant midwife's home, which is closer to my home and a shorter drive than to Sherri's house. They would expect me to be responsible for my own prenatal care between visits, including tracking my own blood pressure and doing my own urinalysis. I was already comfortable with that, because I'd been considering doing it all myself to begin with. She suggested I get an automatic blood pressure cuff that would take the reading for me, since she wasn't sure if taking my own blood pressure would be accurate. She also told me where I could order the urinalysis strips from, and suggested I could also get my own doppler to use for fetal heart tones. She also asked that I commit to come to her monthly forum throughout the pregnancy, which was something I really enjoyed last time and was already planning on doing.

I'm very happy about this plan. I feel it shows trust in me to tune in to my body's needs and stay healthy and take care of myself, with minimal visits to the midwives themselves. I feel it's a really good compromise between an unassisted pregnancy and one with the full 13 prenatal visits that are typical. I feel very comfortable doing most of my prenatal care myself, and I love the idea of having my midwife and one of her assistants available as consultants. I feel this is a good way of utilizing them as valuable resources but not depending on them for everything. I'm really glad I spoke up and told my midwife about my desire to be unassisted, and that she really listened and seriously considered my wishes and my needs. It also takes some financial strain off by offering us a more affordable alternative.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Pain Free!

Remember the severe low back and pelvic pain I was having? It's gone.

My friend Cherieann recommended that I try taking Cod Liver Oil and she sent me a bottle to try. That was a smart move on her part, because between the exhaustion and the pain I was feeling I might not have put forth the effort to get it myself.

She sent me this bottle of Carlson Cod Liver Oil: 


It comes in softgels so you don't taste the fishy taste. Please forgive me, but I don't remember all the reasons she said it would be helpful, but I trusted her advice and told her I would try it. I'd also read about the wonderful benefits of Cod Liver Oil before, but I'd never tried it, and I wanted to see what it would do for me.

I took 4 softgels each morning when I first woke up, along with a big glass full of water. Occasionally I got little fish burps, but I'm familiar with that from taking omega supplements in the past, and it didn't bother me.

At first I didn't notice anything, but about 4-5 days later I realized my pain was gone. Completely. Not just eased, or a little better, but gone. I can function so much better now!

Some highlights from the supplement facts on the bottle:
Vitamin A
Vitamin D
Vitamin E
Omega 3 fatty acids
EPA
DHA

I guess I was deficient in one or more of these things, and didn't realize it. Thankfully, my friend Cheriann was able to recognize a need and suggest a solution.

Check out Cherieann's facebook page: The Black Sheep Princess. A page about living life off the mainstream and taking charge of your life in various ways: from health, to birthing, to finances, to your attitude, relationships, and more. Cherieann is a genuine person who wants to help people. She has a goal of being a health and nutrition coach and helping people achieve full health.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Please Help Raise Funds for More Business of Being Born Films!

The Business of Being Born is a birth documentary film that I love. It helped open my eyes to home birth as a safe, viable option, and I think every woman should watch this film whether or not she's given birth yet.

The great news is that more films are being made! The producers need help with the funding, and YOU can help!



From producers Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein:

"Making our 2008 documentary, “The Business of Being Born,” was a huge labor of love for us (no pun intended); we shared intimate footage of our own births, funded the entire project ourselves, and fell way short of making our money back.  But like any new mom, we’ve forgotten the pain and we’re ready to do it all over again.  Now we’re giving birth to quadruplets.  “More Business of Being Born” is our new series of four educational films that deepens the conversation about childbirth options, supporting every woman’s right to empowerment and accurate information during the birth process.   We’ve also completed a 28-minute Classroom Edition of “The Business of Being Born” with a comprehensive study guide to reach younger women in University settings.



"This is where we need your help.  We’ve made these films with a microscopic budget, once again funded out of our own pockets.  But we’ve come as far as we can on our own.  


"We just launched a campaign on Kickstarter where you can purchase advance copies of “More Business of Being Born” to help us reach our goal of raising $100,000. This money will be used to both finish the films and fund their marketing and publicity, including hiring a publicist, an online marketing company, and funding campaigns on Facebook, Twitter, and various other marketing outlets. The ultimate goal is to make the information found in our films, as well as on our website, available to as many pregnant and soon-to-be-pregnant women as possible!


"Aside from the pride of being part of a revolution in the birthing paradigm, donors will receive incentive packages that include copies of the films, merchandise signed by we, the filmmakers (Abby and Ricki), and some very special packages for the most generous givers. 


"The deal with Kickstarter is that if we don’t reach our $100K goal, we don’t get any of the money – and if we can’t fund the marketing for these films, then our ability to spread the word about empowered birth will be severely hampered. Let’s not let that happen!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Why I Write Articles for Pampers


A few months back a friend of mine sent me an email with a link to a job posting on Craig's List. My friend is a freelance writer and was looking for jobs when she came across the job listing for pregnancy writers. Familiar with my blog and facebook page, she told me she thought I'd be a good fit for it.

I wasn't sure. I didn't consider myself a writer, or at least good enough that anyone would want to pay me to write. My friend encouraged me to go for it, and after some thought I decided it would be worth it simply because of the subject matter. It's easy to write about pregnancy and birth because I'm so passionate about those topics. I applied for the job on the website listed, provided a sample of my writing, and I was quickly accepted to start training and writing.

It wasn't until I started training that I found out my articles would be published on the Pampers website. It made me excited to think that my content would be on a mainstream website!

The company that hired me and edits my articles is called Skyword, and they've been hired by Pampers to provide original content for the pregnancy portion of their site. Pampers doesn't know anything about me other than what's been published on their site. I've never used Pampers diapers and I don't promote their products. They don't know that I use cloth diapers, and they don't need to know. It's not what I was hired for.

The process is interesting. The company purchases key words that come up often in online search engines. They train their writers to choose key words from an available list and write the articles based on those words. I submit my written articles to the copy editors, and they either approve them for publishing or send them back to me for revisions. It can take a few weeks for an article to make it from key word selection to publishing, even longer if the article has to be revised and resubmitted. I've had a couple of articles that had to be revised more than once.

The tricky thing about the key words is that not all key words are workable to use in an article because the phrasing is awkward. For instance, once the key words “birth breech” became available and I claimed them immediately, hoping I'd be able to write about my breech birth experience. When I tried to work with the words in their exact order, however, it just didn't work for the article. I tried several times to make it work, but ultimately the copy editors rejected the article because of it. I had to let those key words go and hope for something that would give me the chance to tell my story. A couple of months later I claimed the key words “vaginal birth” and I was able to use that as an opportunity to talk about my breech home birth.

You can see it can be tricky for me in getting my messages across. The company wants me to write from a purely first person perspective, using personal experiences to portray a message. I'm to avoid using my articles to instruct people or teach them about something. Pampers has expert writers (like doctors and medical professionals) that handle that sort of thing. It's hard for me sometimes to switch from my instructional/helpful mode that I use so much on here and on my fan page to the much more passive tone I have to use in my articles. I've also been instructed not to write anything that would paint hospitals, doctors, or any other part of the medical community in a potentially bad light. Sometimes just saying that midwives are good makes people think I'm saying doctors are evil, so that can be a fine line to walk.

There have been times I've had to let an article go that I cared about, because I couldn't get it approved by the editors. There have been other times that I've stood my ground and worked with the editors to get a somewhat controversial article to be published. I feel like I'm balancing precariously between the two extremes of my personal choices and viewpoints and what Pampers wants me to portray.

So, why do I do it?

To get my voice heard.

I look at this as an opportunity to get some of my “underground” perspective out onto a mainstream platform. There are expectant parents who read articles on the Pampers website who might not otherwise even think about topics like epidural risks, home birth, exclusive breastfeeding, doulas, birthing methods, natural birth, and more. These are parents who probably wouldn't even stumble across this blog. My hope is that my articles can help plant a seed of thought in people who wouldn't otherwise be aware of some of these topics, and that seed will grow either in them or someone they know into something bigger and more tangible. It may not be now, but perhaps some day someone might mention something to them and they'll say “Oh, I remember reading an article about that...”

My Pampers articles are written on a more basic level than what I write for my blog here. I feel they're appropriate for, perhaps, a less informed audience than those who follow my fan page or read my blog. So I ask you, my readers, to please feel free to share my article links with the people you know. Please pass them along in emails, on social networking sites, or however you feel comfortable. Even if it's something you already understand, maybe someone you know could benefit from the information.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Favorite Recent Pregnancy/Birth Links

I post a lot of web links on my Mamas and Babies facebook fan page, but I often forget to pass the information on here. I think it's important to share as much information as possible, so I'm bringing you some of my recent favorite web links related to pregnancy and birth.

These are in no particular order:

Happy surfing!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Favorite Pregnancy and Birth Books

I recently posted on the Mamas and Babies facebook page asking for pregnancy/birth book recommendations from the wonderful community there. I'd like to pass on the list that I compiled based on the responses I got:

I said: "I think my most favorite is Childbirth Without Fear by Grantly Dick-Read, because it's so simple and beautiful. It goes back to the basics of trusting your body and the natural function of birth, and how it's so possible for virtually every woman."

From Shiloh: "I love both the Ina May Gaskin books especially her newest one. Ina May's Guide to childbirth."

Kasie: "I have two. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (because she is awesome, and I love all the beautiful, empowering birth stories), and Childbirth Without Fear, because everything Dr. Grantly Dick Read said in it makes so much sense. I love that he held pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding in such high esteem. Wish we had more OB's like him around today."

From Jeannette: "I like "Spiritual Midwifery". I wrote a review of it on my Youtube page. Check it out."

Donna said: "gentle birth gentle mothering its just a great book"

From Rachel: "Birthing From Within, for the inside-of-the-mother-centered viewpoint and for the pain-management techniques and for the nonjudgmental presentation of options. Most of all, for all the stories and art, which gave me a lot of new ways of thinking about pregnancy and birth and myself and society."

Liev: "anything Ina May Gaskin :)"

Lauren said: "Ina May and Henci Goer books."


Mara: "I love Ina May as well but just ordered Birthing from Within and Mind over Labor to help prepare and get rid of fear for labor/birth number 3"

Gretchen: "Ina May's guide to childbirth" because it made me realize how much power over my own labor I have, it made me reconnect to my mammalian roots through a little spirituality and a ton of science!"

From Townley: "I concur with the "Birthing From Within" review. I felt it gave me tools to prepare for laboring, birthing and parenthood. I loved reading birthstories as well, but is was doing the art projects and journaling that helped to get it to a visceral level. I recommend it to all my doula clients."

Kelly said: "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth & Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth"

Becky said: "Natural Childbirth The Bradley Way...It is very in depth and its hard to explain but it is like a birth class in a book! Its my all time favorite, and my husbands too..he used it all during my early labor."

From Jenny: "Ina May's books and Penny Simkin's Pregnancy Childbirth and the Newborn it's what parents need to know about hospital procedures and hospital births and what questions to ask!"

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ectopic Pregnancy, Epidural Childbirth, and Doulas

I'd like to share three of my recent articles published on the Pampers website:


Ectopic Pregnancy Signs and Symptoms - My experience with an ectopic pregnancy scare.


Considering Natural and Epidural Childbirth - Personal observations and suggestions for when considering pain relief options for childbirth.


What are Doulas and What Do They Do? - How my doula transformed my birth experiences.


Please read and pass these articles on to those whom you feel might benefit from them. It's about empowering women to make informed choice in pregnancy and birth.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Monday, November 22, 2010

Approaching Pregnancy After Miscarriage - Personal Feelings

I've entered an entirely new area in my life.  I lost a pregnancy just a few months ago.  It was my 6th pregnancy, and my first miscarriage.  I wrote as a form of therapy about the entire experience, even as I was going through it.  It's a long story, filled with a roller coaster of physical and emotional turmoil.  There was healing even in the midst of the turmoil, and even though it was a very difficult thing to experience, I felt I was blessed and able to learn and grow from it.  Even though I still didn't understand why it had happened, I was able to find some meaning in it.


What's surprised me is how my feelings toward pregnancy have changed.  I've experienced nervousness before, wondering whether I was pregnant, whether we were ready for another baby at that time, reflecting on how I would handle pregnancy and one more child.  I remember being most nervous with my first pregnancy, but I also had a sort of ignorant bliss.  As informed as I thought I was, I really was ignorant when it came to pregnancy and birth.  I was 21 years old and embarking on a completely new life experience.  It was something I had wanted and hoped for since I was a little girl, a fulfillment of dreams and goals.  There was a mystery and wonder to it all, and I was mostly fearless.


I had 5 wonderful mostly uneventful pregnancies, all ending with full term healthy babies.  I had amazing birth experiences and learned how strong and capable my body and spirit were to be able to carry several babies to term and to birth them all vaginally, and 3 of them without any pain medication.  I even birthed a breech baby at home!  I felt somewhat invincible when it came to pregnancy and birth.


After losing a pregnancy I find I'm questioning myself.  I know I'm capable, that confidence is still there, but there's a new element.  I wonder about a lot of things.  Will the next pregnancy stick, or will my body flush it out like the last one?  Is one miscarriage all I'll have to experience, or are there more in my future?  If I have to go through that again, do I really want to get pregnant?


For the first time in my life I wonder if my body is somehow broken.  I have an inkling of how a woman must feel when she's told her body is incapable of birthing on its own and she must have a cesarean.  I know it's a lie, and yet the feelings are still there.  


Why would my body work and then suddenly not work anymore?  It doesn't.  It's like when I asked my midwife how delivery of the placenta is achieved in a home birth without the aid of pitocin.  The response: "Why would your body be capable of doing everything itself only up until a certain point?  Why would you be able to birth your baby without medication only to need medication to get the placenta out?"  It doesn't suddenly stop doing what it's been capable of until that point.


So I'm not broken.  I know that.  But do I believe it?  Yes and no.  I realize, more than ever, that I'm not the one in charge.  I can do everything within my power to have a healthy pregnancy, and I could still miscarry for unknown reasons.  Does that mean my body messed up?  I don't think so, but I still don't understand how it works.  I guess it's not for me to understand.  Like I said, I'm not the one in control.


I don't want to try to get pregnant and I don't want to try to prevent pregnancy.  If I try to get pregnant I feel I might be setting myself up for another failure.  If I prevent pregnancy then I feel I'm denying my spirit and body what I know they need and can handle.  I know there's another baby to come to our family.  I just don't know how many pregnancies it will take to get her here, and I'm not sure I'm up to the task if it means experiencing more loss.


Maybe this article helps explain why I feel this way.  At least it gives me a little validation.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I've Been Published!

If you follow my Facebook fan page then you probably already know that I recently got a freelance writing job posting original content on the Pampers website!


I'm very excited that after blogging about pregnancy and childbirth for over two years I'll be making money doing what I love to do!


My articles will be relatively short and light in nature.  I can write on topics from a list of available search phrases, and I'm trying to find topics that interest me.  Sometimes the popular topics I can choose from are more what I consider to be "fluff", and I prefer to talk about pregnancy topics that are weight and important.  So far I've been happy to find some of my preferred topics, and I'm really enjoying the writing process.


Here are the first three of my articles that have been published.  


Using Pregnancy Calendars


Adjusting to Life With a Breastfeeding Infant


The Role of a Postpartum Doula


If you like them, please share the links with your friends and family!  I'll continue to post the links to future articles as they're published.  Thanks so much for your support!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Flu Shot During Pregnancy


The link above goes to a great blog post about the flu vaccine and pregnancy, and the ways the media and medical professionals play on a mother's love for her baby to persuade her to get the vaccination.

Here's a short part of the post, a warning label from one of the manufacturers of the flu vaccine: 

“Pregnancy Category C: Animal reproduction studies have not been conducted with Influenza A (H1N1) 2009 Monovalent Vaccine or Fluzone vaccine. It is also not known whether these vaccines can cause fetal harm when administered to a pregnant woman or can affect reproduction capacity. Influenza A (H1N1) 2009 Monovalent Vaccine should be given to a pregnant woman only if clearly needed.”

The post also outlines other means by which you can prevent the flu.

I personally don't recommend the flu vaccine during pregnancy, and I think that expectant parents should seriously consider all the facts before making a decision.

For more information about the flu vaccine, please see the following: 


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Roller Coaster: Normal?

This is the eighth post in a special bi-weekly series.  It's a sequel to The Longest Weekend of My Life series.  Please check back next Saturday for Part 9.

Part 8: Normal?


Life seemed to normalize for the most part after I'd had my break down and gained some perspective.  The bleeding had turned to spotting, and in all it had only lasted a week.  


I consulted with my midwife, who said that the bleeding could have been any number of things.  She said my body could have been trying to have a period even though it was pregnant, or it could have been implantation bleeding.  I asked when implantation usually happened, and she said at 9 weeks.  I said “but my bleeding was from 6 to 7 weeks” and she told me my dates could have been wrong.  I hated that.  I had been told with my first pregnancy that my dates must have been wrong, and it felt like a slap in the face.  When I've been writing things on the calendar, tracking every single date, they have the nerve to tell me I was wrong?  I had to let it go, and realize that even though I had been tracking everything, my body might not have been doing what I thought it was doing when I thought it was doing it.  Apparently I didn't know my body as well as I thought I did, and that was a discouraging thought as well.


My midwife wanted me to move forward with the pregnancy as though everything were normal and healthy, and I just felt I couldn't do it.  Emotionally, I couldn't act like everything was fine when deep down I was still worried.  Yes, the worst seemed to have passed, but I still didn't really know whether or not I was still pregnant.  She wanted me to come to the monthly forum at her house, when I would be only 8 weeks along.  There would be no hope of getting a heart beat, even with a hand held doppler, at least until 10 weeks or more, and I saw no point in going through the motions until I had some kind of proof that things were still OK.


I was feeling occasional waves of nausea, but they were mild and at odd times.  Most of the time the nausea would hit just after I'd eaten a good size meal, and it would pass within a minute or so.  I was also feeling tired a lot, especially in the afternoon and evening, accompanied by great bouts of grumpiness.  More than one night I would lie down with my youngest 2 children to help them fall asleep, and end up falling asleep myself hours before I intended to go to bed.  This was common for me in early pregnancy, but I was still nervous to really believe I was still pregnant.


My husband had turned inward.  When we talked one night about the situation he told me that he couldn't even think about the pregnancy without considering all of the possibilities, which scared him.  I understood how he felt, because I was feeling the same emotions.  However, I felt alright talking about the situation, and felt that in some cases it was helpful for me to do so.  We had agreed early on that I could talk with whomever I felt I needed to, and he would deal with it in his own way.  The hard part was that I felt a disconnect with him because of this.  The closeness we had felt just a week or so earlier had turned into a chasm.  I felt that chasm wouldn't close or be filled until we had more information, and according to what I'd been told, that would take at least another 2 weeks to get.




Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Roller Coaster: Perspective

This is the seventh post in a special bi-weekly series.  It's a sequel to The Longest Weekend of My Life series.  Please check back next Wednesday for Part 8.



Part 7: Perspective




Sunday was much better than Saturday. Emotionally I was more balanced, and I wasn't having heavy bleeding or physical discomfort other than a headache, which was resolved with some essential oils. We went to church and I enjoyed the distraction as well as the spiritual environment. I found myself struggling to focus, but I accepted that and just tried to appreciate the present and let myself be in the moment. After church I took a nap and focused on spending the day with family.

I was encouraged by the positive feedback I received when various friends responded to my facebook status update and story. Some said they were hoping and praying for us, and some offered information about how bleeding during pregnancy could be completely safe. There were friends I hadn't personally heard from in a long time, and it was wonderful to hear from them in a time when I felt I needed as much support as I could get.

As I thought about things, I had a small revelation. I realized if I hadn't had any pelvic pain things would be very different. If I hadn't gone to Instacare I would have simply waited things out and would have thought I was just having a late period. I'd have had no idea I was pregnant and wouldn't have gone through all of this emotional turmoil. That thought could have made me wish things had played out differently, that maybe I could have just gone through this in ignorant bliss. However, it helped give me some perspective. I felt that everything had happened this way for a purpose, and that I was learning and growing because of it. It also helped me to see the normalcy of my situation and to have more patience in understanding that even though I didn't have all the answers in the moment, the answers would come, eventually.



Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Roller Coaster: Support

This is the sixth post in a special bi-weekly series.  It's a sequel to The Longest Weekend of My Life series.  Please check back next Saturday for Part 7.



Part 6: Support




After my break down on Saturday I chatted online with a good friend of mine who is another pregnancy/birth blogger. I think she felt the despair in my words and tried to help me feel better. I knew I was in a dark place and I appreciated her support but felt bad for her having been put in that position. She told me she had to go, but what she did next was the best thing she could have done for me in that moment. She posted a question on her facebook fan page asking for experiences from women who have bled during pregnancy and gone on to have healthy viable pregnancies and babies. I think at least a dozen women responded, describing their personal experiences with bleeding during pregnancy. I had no idea it was so common, and that helped me realize that my despair was probably at least a little bit disproportionate to the situation.

I had decided to turn my personal writings of this experience into a blog series. I thought that by publishing one portion each Saturday it would allow my story to unfold slowly to my readers and give me time to figure things out and maybe somehow find a resolution to the whole thing. I felt strongly that I needed to not only keep writing, but to share it with everyone I could. I felt that this was part of the purpose of what I was going through. I knew it couldn't possibly be the whole purpose, but being able to find an impetus to move forward and try to help others by sharing my struggle gave me strength, resolve and greater peace.

That evening I made a difficult decision. I had a strong feeling I should share my entire thus-far unfinished story with my family and personal friends on facebook. Oddly, I still didn't feel comfortable making a simple phone call to family members or friends to let them know what I was going through. By breaking the news in this manner I felt safer opening myself up to the masses. I prayed, asking if this was really what I should do, and I felt it was. Even as I typed my personal status update I was nervous:

“Most people wait until the threat of miscarriage has passed, but I'm no good at keeping quiet. There's a chance I could lose this pregnancy, and I don't want to go through this any longer in silence.”

My heart fluttered and I had to step away from the computer without sending the message. I took a moment to collect myself and then I came back and pressed the send button. I then posted a comment on my status explaining the situation very briefly and letting everyone know that I'd been writing as a form of therapy and would post everything I'd written so far for my friends to read if they wanted to. Then I spent the next half hour or so transferring my writings from the word processor into notes on facebook.

I felt that having my friends and family read what I'd written would be easier than trying to explain the situation individually. I understood that some people might be off-put that I didn't approach them individually, but this was part of my coping and healing and it was how I needed to do it.

I talked with my husband that evening, partially to give him a warning that I had just announced to our little world about everything we were currently going through, and he understood. He reminded me that part of how I process and heal is by being able to talk openly about what I'm going through, and this meant having my entire support system available. I loved him even more for understanding that about me, even though it's not how he functions himself. I reflected on how we'd connected in deeper ways over the past week, and it had given me glimpses of how much we really get each other. A different facet of our love was emerging.