Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Longest Weekend of My Life: Numb

Due to reader request, the Saturday series is now a bi-weekly series, published each Wednesday and Saturday. This is the third post the series.  Please check back next Saturday for Part 4.

Part 3: Numb

Wait, back up. What?

I knew what ectopic pregnancy was, and I certainly had never imagined it would ever be something I would experience. I'd never had any reproductive issues in my life, and I'd always been very grateful for that. I'd even felt guilty for that in the past as I'd watched friends and family struggle with infertility problems and pregnancy complications. I don't pretend to understand God's will and purpose for each individual. I just know that each of us has our own struggles, and comparing them with the trials of another person usually only serves to evoke more questions and lead to feelings of discontent.

I felt numb. I didn't want or need to ask any questions, so I just listened to the doctor. She recommended having an ultrasound to check where the embryo had formed, whether it was in the uterus where it should be, or somewhere else like the fallopian tubes or ovaries. Since their office didn't have an ultrasound machine she had her nurse schedule an appointment at the hospital at 4:00 pm. I had enough time to go home and talk with my husband.

I came home to find that the baby had been crying most of the time I'd been gone, and I felt bad that my husband hadn't been able to get out of bed to help him. I was grateful to my oldest son for helping to comfort his little brother, even if it had been between playing levels on a computer game.

I didn't know what to say to my husband. I considered trying to be funny by saying something like “Well, we can have unprotected sex as often as we want to!”... I wasn't feeling very funny.

I walked into our bedroom, closed the door, sat on the bed, and told my husband what had happened and what I'd been told. Neither of us knew what to say, and we both let the feelings of shock and bewilderment settle in. How are you supposed to handle such news? You're pregnant, but you may lose it.

We both felt afraid to be excited about the pregnancy because of the possibility of what we might be going through if it did in fact turn out to be ectopic. My husband asked “If it turns out to be tubal, do we have to... terminate?” I said “I think so”, and we cried together. I only hoped that the ultrasound would show something conclusive so we wouldn't have to wait for confirmation one way or another. I continued to pray in my heart that all would work out, and that the medical professionals who were helping us would be guided to find the right answers for us.

Part 1: Preface
Part 2: Bittersweet
Part 4: Peace

1 comment:

  1. Wow. That is awful. I'm so sorry, wishing you and your family the very best.