Why I No Longer Have Birth Regret

I've had different experiences with different births, and each one has been unique and promoted personal growth.

My first baby's birth was the hardest. I went in naively thinking I could have a medication-free birth in the hospital with very little preparation. I knew my mom gave birth to all six of her babies without medication, and I assumed I'd be able to do the same. I didn't realize how much things had changed in 15 years and I wasn't prepared for the routine interventions that seemed to cascade out of control. My water broke, I was induced to the point that I was begging for medication, got the epidural which led to fetal distress and slow labor, threatened with a cesarean if I didn't progress, and ultimately pushed for almost two hours and was given an episiotomy without my consent.

I was grateful I'd avoided the c-section, but it had been a traumatizing experience. The childbirth classes at the county health department had not prepared me for being bullied and coerced by medical staff to receive interventions I never wanted.

The crazy thing is that I would have gone back to the same obstetrician for my second pregnancy, except that he wouldn't accept my new insurance. I'll be forever grateful for being forced to find a new doctor. I also changed hospitals, which I now realize was a huge step in the right direction. I've since learned that the hospital where my first child was born has the highest intervention rates in the area. It's the best place in the county for premature and sick babies, but the worst for healthy moms and babies and natural birth. I chose a smaller community hospital after that and never went back to the first hospital.

My second baby's birth was a result of me trying to take control of the situation. When my doctor said my cervix was favorable and offered me the option of scheduling an induction I felt like I had power over my baby's birth. I had decided I just couldn't handle birth without pain medication and made peace with the epidural. It was actually a very positive experience for me. Labor was much faster, more than two-thirds shorter than my first labor. I was laughing with my husband and the doctor during labor and pushing, and my son came out with about four pushes. The doctor was gentler than my first OB, and he was more friendly. He didn't cut me, but I tore along my episiotomy scar. My baby latched on while the doctor was stitching me up, and nothing felt rushed or pressured. I think it was exactly the experience I needed at the time.

I stuck with my second OB for the next two births, which were both unmedicated births in the smaller hospital with a doula. My doctor was very supportive of my wishes and so was the hospital. I really think I had the best births I could have had in that setting, with very few interventions. I felt like the hospital staff were just observers and I was doing everything with the support of my husband and my doula.

My fifth baby's birth at home was incredibly healing for me. It had the opposite effect on me than what I'd expected. Instead of becoming further polarized to home birth, I found myself opening up and being more accepting of the different choices women make for birth. I felt that I would personally never step foot in a hospital to give birth again, but I was more understanding of other women who chose differently than I did.

I think that shift happened because I became more at peace with myself. For years I'd been angry with my first obstetrician for the way my first baby's birth played out. Not at first, but as time slowly went by I realized there was a lot of emotional pain from the experience. I felt like everyone around me had been making decisions for me. I had no voice, and when I tried to speak up no one listened. I blamed my doctor for everything that hadn't gone according to my wishes. I had deep regrets, especially after I was finally able to have a natural birth in the hospital and was learning more about physiological birth. If only I'd been able to prepare myself better during my first pregnancy. If only I'd put some thought into which doctor I went to and where I would give birth. If only I'd been smarter, more informed, and not so quick to trust the medical professionals. I blamed myself for not making better decisions and knowing better.

I transferred the pain and blame I felt onto other women who seemed to be making the same mistakes I'd made. I couldn't understand why anyone would knowingly choose a birth full of interventions and I had a sort of self-righteous attitude about it. I felt I knew better, and people should listen to me. I took it personally when they didn't want to listen. I wished I'd had someone to tell me all the things I should have known, and my friends were dismissing this important information without a second thought.

My home birth helped me find inner peace. Somehow through that experience I was finally able to forgive myself. For the first time in nine years I no longer felt angry or pained at the memory of that first traumatic birth.

My inner peace seemed to translate outward toward others. Once I was able to forgive myself for being human and making mistakes I was able to be more genuinely loving and supportive of others who made decisions I wouldn't personally make.

I also realized that each of my birth experiences was a part of my path. When I was pregnant for the first time I wasn't ready for the information I now understand. After the disappointment of my out-of-control first birth I needed to heal, and that took time and experience. Even though it was fully medicated, my second baby's birth was very healing for me at the time. I learned that medicated birth can go smoothly and it's not always a train wreck. Through the births of my third and fourth children I learned about my own power and strength, and I was gradually growing more confident in my body and spirit. I also found great strength and support in my husband and my doula, and it was beautiful to have them to depend on. My natural hospital births gave me the confidence to move forward with a planned home birth. Through my home birth I felt I came full circle and was able to embrace every experience I'd had before that point in time. I also feel the home birth helped prepare me for more things to come, possibly a planned unassisted birth in my future.

One thing I've realized is that people can and do change, and what we each need is loving support for where we are and what we need at the time. I'm glad I didn't have someone screaming in my face telling me what a mistake it was to be asking for an epidural, or how stupid it was to schedule an induction. At those points in time I wouldn't have been able to accept it.

I needed to have these experiences for my personal growth, and I feel it will help me to better support other women in their various pregnancy and birth choices. I understand why women choose interventions because I've been there. I also understand what it's like to experience trauma and regret, and the healing that takes place. I accept that each woman is at a certain place in her path and must make the choices that she feels are best for her and her situation. Understanding my own imperfections helps me to appreciate someone else in her imperfect state. When I think about what I've been through and what has brought me to where I am now, I can more easily accept a woman for who she is today and what she chooses to do.

VBAC Video: This Woman's Work

"... a three year journey that took this couple from their unexpected hospital cesarean birth to birthing their second baby at home in water - condensed into a mere 6-minute video. You, the viewer, become a witness to their very heartfelt, personal sacrifice and transformation."

I first saw this on The Beginning of Motherhood

The Sight of Blood

I'm not fainting; I'm terrified.

After my emergency room miscarriage in December I'd been anxious to get my body healthier and back on a normal schedule. I started making some big changes to my diet in late December as part of my “get healthier” goal. I don't do new year's resolutions because to me they've always seemed like well-intentioned empty promises. The irony that I made this big change in my life right before the new year is definitely not lost on me, but it was important enough that I dedicated myself to it.

I didn't know how long it would take for my cycle to return, and I decided I'd just be patient and not worry about it. I also decided not to worry about getting pregnant or preventing pregnancy. I wanted to focus on taking better care of myself so I could be a better wife, a better mom, a better me. I wanted to have more energy, to be physically strong and well, and to be happy. I also wanted to make sure that my body would be better prepared for carrying a baby to term when the time was right.

As time passed I realized it had been over a month since the miscarriage and I wondered when my body would resume it's regular cycle. I talked with a friend who'd had a miscarriage about month before my latest one, and we talked about cycles and feelings and everything that comes with the territory. It was really nice to have someone in a similar situation to talk with and share these things.

That very afternoon it came. There was blood, and I felt a sense of relief come over me. I wasn't pregnant, and I was fine with that. I was getting my period, which meant my body was getting back to normal, and hopefully a healthier normal. What I didn't expect was the feelings that would come over me the next day.

The bleeding started out dark brown, like old blood, and gradually became brighter and heavier. As time went on, over the period of a day, my anxiety levels gradually rose. I almost didn't notice it at first. A post I wrote about my miscarriage happened to publish on my blog that day and I read it and relived some of the memories and feelings from it. Every time I went to use the bathroom I had to face the blood, and I found myself absorbed in it. I was checking for clots, examining the color, the thickness, the texture (yes, I touched it), and the smell. You read that right, I smelled it. I wanted to be sure of what my body was doing.

I was exhausted and having cramps, which isn't typical for me during menstruation. The cramping hurt worse on one side than the other, and I found myself panicking. I even called my midwife to ask if the one-sided pain was normal. She told me not to worry, and to put on a heating pad and rest. That was exactly what I wanted to do, and I did.

In the back of my mind I couldn't get the thought out of my head that maybe I'd unintentionally become pregnant again and was having yet another miscarriage, or worse an ectopic pregnancy. While possible, this was unlikely. I kept telling myself that this was just my body getting back into a healthy rhythm and it was a good thing, but I couldn't quite make myself believe it.

I thought I'd been doing so well until that point. I'd coped with my loss primarily through writing and sharing my story, and I'd managed to pull myself out of a deep depression and started making positive changes in my life. I'd been feeling better until this slapped me in the face.

It made me realize how vulnerable we are as women, and even as human beings. We can't just go through something difficult and traumatic and expect to move on without any repercussions. Things impact us on an emotional level and they don't just go away. It reminds me of a book I read years ago called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. It taught me that we have to face and deal with our feelings in order to properly process them and grow from them in positive ways. When we try to bury or hide our feelings they don't really go away. They can pop back up at any point and rear their ugly heads.

I don't think I was necessarily burying my feelings after my miscarriage, but I think that grieving happens in stages and waves. I think I was dealing with my loss as well as I could, and I've had to peel back the layers of emotions that are there. I'm pretty sure I'm not done grieving, but I think that's OK. I feel like this is part of my healing, as hard and debilitating as it can be at times, and that it's important to honor myself and my feelings and face them head on.

So this is me, right here and right now, facing them.

Post-Miscarriage Healing

My first miscarriage was nothing compared to the second one in terms of the physical toll on my body. I suspect the first one happened so early in the pregnancy that there wasn't much blood or tissue to expel. Indeed, the 5 week ultrasound had shown nothing, not even a sac, and I only bled moderately for a week. It was much like a period, and that was it. My cycle returned immediately and I conceived again right away. While the emotional impact was huge, the physical impact seemed minimal.


My second miscarriage happened later in the pregnancy and there was a lot of blood, clots, and tissue that I passed. I was amazed at the similarities between miscarriage and birth itself. Even the recovery period after miscarriage is very much like postpartum recovery, with continued bleeding for a few weeks and physical healing. 


I want to share some of the post-miscarriage healing aids I discovered. I found them to be helpful with both the emotional and physical aspects of recovery.

Homeopathy: After my day in the emergency room with my miscarriage I came home exhausted and coming down with a cold. I knew that the miscarriage put me at a risk of infection as well, so I took aconitum napellus to counteract that. I also took arnica for the bleeding. I took them in conjunction with using the essential oils.

Diet: For me personally this made a difference. My diet had included a lot of proteins and starches, and I decided to make a focused effort to eat as many fruits and vegetables as possible, focusing mostly on fruits and juices. I was skeptical when I started, but as I seriously followed this I noticed results immediately. I had more energy and I was happier in general. I handled stress a lot better. The timing of this coincided with a day of rest, and it was the perfect combination for me. I was more relaxed and energetic at the same time. I think it was a way for my body to cleanse after what I'd been through, and I decided to adopt this diet regularly in an effort to become healthier before trying to conceive again.

Rest: This is really important to do, as needed. I was exhausted for days after my miscarriage, and I found hot baths and naps to be really helpful. I couldn't lie around all day because I had a family to take care of, but I did what I could to get as much rest as possible.

I also had a headache for days after my miscarriage, and I've read that this is common. I relied on my old headache tricks of applying ice to my head and neck, taking molasses each day, and making sure I got enough rest.

Talking and writing: This was essential for me. I've learned that I process and heal much better if I can talk things through, repeatedly. For me this meant talking with several friends on the phone as well as writing and blogging about what happened, and chatting online when possible. It was important for me to go through the events and feelings of my miscarriage many times so I could make some sense of it and resolve my conflicting emotions. I also found the interactions in person and online to be uplifting, as I received much-needed support and love from others. The most reassuring thing anyone could say to me was that they understood how I felt.

Everyone grieves differently: This is really important to remember. I'm a talker, but some people handle things better by internalizing and not talking about it for a while. Grief is a very appropriate thing to feel after a loss such as miscarriage, and it's not to be trivialized. It's important to recognize the difficulty of the situation and allow the grieving person space to grieve in their own ways, but let them know you're there and you love them and support them. I found that my husband grieves very differently than I do, and I had to learn how to respect his methods while still nurturing my own.

The Longest Weekend of My Life: Decisions

This is the seventh and final post in a special bi-weekly series.  Please check back next Saturday for the continuation of the story in the sequel:  The Roller Coaster.

Part 7: Decisions

I talked with my husband about the situation. Although I was feeling fine and no longer worried about possible complications by that time, he wasn't so sure. He was worried about my well-being and concerned that I might make a decision based on fear (not wanting to face my OB's office, for example) and possibly put myself at further risk. He asked me to follow up with the OB to ensure that I wasn't being negligible about my care. I felt his love and concern for me, and I decided to take his advice.

I called my obstetrician's office and told them about the weekend events at Instacare and the hospital. I informed them of everything, including the fact that my pain had disappeared by Saturday night and hadn't returned. The receptionist put me on hold for several minutes while she consulted with the doctor. When she came back she told me that it was so early in the pregnancy that an ultrasound would be useless. I wished the resident at Instacare had known that before ordering a "pointless" ultrasound!  The OB was recommending a “wait and see” approach. Because I never had any bleeding and my pain was gone, they suggested scheduling an ultrasound at 10 weeks gestation, and in the meantime if I were to have any additional symptoms I should call and schedule an earlier appointment.

The receptionist also said that if I intended to see their office for the duration of the pregnancy I would need to come in for paperwork and an “OB Complete” checkup by 10 weeks, which included a pelvic exam, pap smear and blood work. She asked me if I wanted to do this. I told her that I would most likely plan a home birth and didn't feel a need to see the physician for the routine prenatal schedule, as my midwife would be doing that for me. She informed me that if I wanted to see the obstetrician at all I would still need to complete the paperwork and have the first complete checkup, and I hesitantly agreed. I felt I could satisfy my husband's concerns and “cover my bases” so to speak by seeing the obstetrician once or twice, and continue the duration of my prenatal care with my wonderful midwife.

It felt really good to be fully honest about my intentions with the obstetrician's office. In my last pregnancy I was worried about any opposition I might face if I were to be completely open about my plans. This time I wasn't worried. I was sure about what I wanted, and I wasn't afraid to be up-front about it.

Going through this, I initially felt like closing up. I wanted to close in on myself, curl up in a ball and forget about the outside world. I felt it would be too painful to share with anyone else what I was going through. As my mind and spirit have processed things I've realized that closing up won't help me. I've gone through my life bottling up my feelings, only to find that eventually I had to deal with those feelings one way or another. Rather than help me, keeping myself closed off has proven to be more painful in the long run. I've also learned that I process things and deal with my problems much better by talking things through and sharing them with others. I find comfort in connecting with people, especially when they are supportive and compassionate. The hard part is knowing when it's safe to expose myself to someone and put my heart in their hands.

I'm writing as a form of processing and healing, even as I go through this ordeal. I know I'll share this with everyone I know, because I feel that's what I need to do. I only hope that by sharing my experience I can somehow help provide support, peace, and healing to someone else.

This ends the Longest Weekend of My Life, but the story is not yet over. Check back next week for the next series: The Roller Coaster

Part 1: Preface

Part 2: Bittersweet

Part 3: Numb

Part 4: Peace

Part 5: Waiting

Part 6: Writing and Reading
The Roller Coaster Part 1: Looking Up

Home Care Instructions for the Mother

I found this through a doula's blog, and I think it's very informative, whether you birth your baby in a hospital or at home. It was written by a group of midwives.

Home Care Instructions for the Mother

Years ago a woman who had just given birth was routinely kept in the hospital for over a week, in bed the whole time, not allowed to do anything for herself, for it was believed this was best for healing. We now know that moderate activity is helpful and encourages healing, but I'm sure many women struggle in finding the right balance of rest and activity to facilitate postpartum recovery.

I myself have a hard time gauging how much I should do after having a baby, especially after I've come home from the hospital. I've been reading about postpartum care and recovery, and what I've read encourages careful observation of energy levels and as much rest and time with the baby as possible. Most of the material I've read suggests having help at home with household demands to allow the mother to focus on just herself and the baby, and establish breastfeeding early on. This pdf I've linked to above seems to be pretty close to many of the other materials I've read on the subject, and I think it's very informative for any woman, wherever she chooses to birth her baby.

Click here for more on postpartum care

If you would like more information on this subject, please check out the list of Recommended Reading on the right-hand side of the page. Scroll down a bit to get to it.