The Sight of Blood

I'm not fainting; I'm terrified.

After my emergency room miscarriage in December I'd been anxious to get my body healthier and back on a normal schedule. I started making some big changes to my diet in late December as part of my “get healthier” goal. I don't do new year's resolutions because to me they've always seemed like well-intentioned empty promises. The irony that I made this big change in my life right before the new year is definitely not lost on me, but it was important enough that I dedicated myself to it.

I didn't know how long it would take for my cycle to return, and I decided I'd just be patient and not worry about it. I also decided not to worry about getting pregnant or preventing pregnancy. I wanted to focus on taking better care of myself so I could be a better wife, a better mom, a better me. I wanted to have more energy, to be physically strong and well, and to be happy. I also wanted to make sure that my body would be better prepared for carrying a baby to term when the time was right.

As time passed I realized it had been over a month since the miscarriage and I wondered when my body would resume it's regular cycle. I talked with a friend who'd had a miscarriage about month before my latest one, and we talked about cycles and feelings and everything that comes with the territory. It was really nice to have someone in a similar situation to talk with and share these things.

That very afternoon it came. There was blood, and I felt a sense of relief come over me. I wasn't pregnant, and I was fine with that. I was getting my period, which meant my body was getting back to normal, and hopefully a healthier normal. What I didn't expect was the feelings that would come over me the next day.

The bleeding started out dark brown, like old blood, and gradually became brighter and heavier. As time went on, over the period of a day, my anxiety levels gradually rose. I almost didn't notice it at first. A post I wrote about my miscarriage happened to publish on my blog that day and I read it and relived some of the memories and feelings from it. Every time I went to use the bathroom I had to face the blood, and I found myself absorbed in it. I was checking for clots, examining the color, the thickness, the texture (yes, I touched it), and the smell. You read that right, I smelled it. I wanted to be sure of what my body was doing.

I was exhausted and having cramps, which isn't typical for me during menstruation. The cramping hurt worse on one side than the other, and I found myself panicking. I even called my midwife to ask if the one-sided pain was normal. She told me not to worry, and to put on a heating pad and rest. That was exactly what I wanted to do, and I did.

In the back of my mind I couldn't get the thought out of my head that maybe I'd unintentionally become pregnant again and was having yet another miscarriage, or worse an ectopic pregnancy. While possible, this was unlikely. I kept telling myself that this was just my body getting back into a healthy rhythm and it was a good thing, but I couldn't quite make myself believe it.

I thought I'd been doing so well until that point. I'd coped with my loss primarily through writing and sharing my story, and I'd managed to pull myself out of a deep depression and started making positive changes in my life. I'd been feeling better until this slapped me in the face.

It made me realize how vulnerable we are as women, and even as human beings. We can't just go through something difficult and traumatic and expect to move on without any repercussions. Things impact us on an emotional level and they don't just go away. It reminds me of a book I read years ago called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. It taught me that we have to face and deal with our feelings in order to properly process them and grow from them in positive ways. When we try to bury or hide our feelings they don't really go away. They can pop back up at any point and rear their ugly heads.

I don't think I was necessarily burying my feelings after my miscarriage, but I think that grieving happens in stages and waves. I think I was dealing with my loss as well as I could, and I've had to peel back the layers of emotions that are there. I'm pretty sure I'm not done grieving, but I think that's OK. I feel like this is part of my healing, as hard and debilitating as it can be at times, and that it's important to honor myself and my feelings and face them head on.

So this is me, right here and right now, facing them.

The Raw Truth About Power and Control

Who controls birth?


I came across an article on MSNBC by Taffy Brodessor-Akner called Who controls childbirth - expectant moms or doctors?


In her article, Ms. Brodessor-Akner talks about the extremely traumatic birth of her first child and the impending birth of her second child. She opens up with her raw feelings, and it's powerful. She talks about her journey, of trying to heal and move forward, of facing the future with the hope of something better.

The author also talks about home birth but admits that she's not comfortable birthing anywhere but in the hospital.  The feelings and questions that she brings up in her article are so poignant, and I think they bear careful consideration. This article reminds me of how each and every birth is individual and sacred, and should be handled with appropriate care. Each mother and father should make the choices they feel are best for that birth, regardless of what happened at previous births or what so-and-so says and what everyone else thinks they should do. It's a personal decision, each and every step of the way.

In response to the article, Sheridan at Enjoy Birth asks the same question: Who DOES Control Childbirth? She argues that it depends on who the mother chooses as her care provider. She also provides a library of information to help women make the best choice in care provider for their child's birth, and lots of reasons why they should be judicious in their choice.

She has a point. Afterall, the woman's choice in her care giver determines how much power and decision-making she will give up. Giving power to someone isn't bad, if that person truly has your best interests at heart and understands and supports them.

In my personal experiences with birth, it has all been about control. Whether I have a positive or negative experience depends largely on how much I feel control was either respected or taken from me. I feel this was dependent on how much control I gave to others, and in whom I chose to trust with that power.

In this respect, I think Sheridan is absolutely right, and I also feel a woman's realm of control in birth extends further than her choice in a provider. She also has the power to choose her support team, the location and circumstances under which she wants to labor and give birth.

Can you really determine the circumstances of your baby's birth? In her MSNBC article, Ms. Brodessor-Akner talks about how unpredictable childbirth is, and how birth plans are a waste of time because of this. Yes, birth is unpredictable, but women still have power in the interventions they choose to accept or avoid. They can choose under what circumstances they want to labor and birth by choosing whether to allow a medical induction or augmentation, or to wait for spontaneous labor to start on its own. They can choose whether to birth in a place where certain things are required as "protocol", such as electronic fetal monitoring, breaking of waters, IV placement, and more. They can decide which interventions to accept or decline, and their decision in care provider and location will have a large impact on these other aspects.

I believe as we attempt to exert control in pregnancy and birth, we must also come to terms with a certain lack of control. This is where faith comes in. I do everything possible to educate myself to make the best decisions, and as I move forward knowing I've extended the limit of my personal power, I trust in something bigger, more powerful to guide me through. For some people this is a trust in nature, in our bodies to perform as they were made to.

For me, it's faith in God.

As I see it, God created the world and everything in it. He is nature. He created me, and He knows what I'm capable of. God has control in things I don't, and He has my best interests in mind.

"The next moment is as much beyond our grasp, and as much in God's care, as that a hundred years away. Care for the next minute is as foolish as care for a day in the next thousand years. In neither can we do anything, in both God is doing everything." ~ C.S. Lewis

What do you think? Who controls birth?