First of all, let me apologize for totally slacking off with the blog posts! In over 3 years of having this blog I've always posted on a regular basis until now. I feel like a complete blogging loser, but I have a reason.
The News: I'm pregnant!
About 10 weeks along at this point, and feeling every bit of it.
Exhaustion, mood swings, never-ending hunger, constant peeing, etc. I'm just lucky I'm not vomiting. I'm so out of my normal self right now that I'm barely functioning. I stopped writing about a month ago. I haven't written anything new for the blog or for Pampers, and am having the worst case of writer's block in a long time. Writing isn't my priority right now. I'm just trying to take care of myself and my family.
I'm consulting with my midwife about my extreme fatigue and she's advising me on what I can do, including dietary supplementation, and lots of rest. Rest is hard for me. I have 5 kids and a chronically ill husband. Our household depends on me. But I'm trying to rest. I'm having to say "no" more than ever.
Despite the challenges, I feel very good about this pregnancy. When I saw the positive line on the pregnancy test I felt a sense of peace and extreme happiness. After two consecutive miscarriages I came to a decision not to let worry enter my mind.
During my last pregnancy I was scared of miscarrying again. I kept my pregnancy secret because I didn't want to go through that publicly again. I became severely depressed and I was miserable. All the worry did for me was make me feel terrible, and I miscarried anyway.
So this time I decided worry would have no place in my life. I would tell my friends and family about my pregnancy early on, and I did. I would do my best to enjoy this time, no matter what happened. I realized that I can't control whether the pregnancy goes to term or not, but I can take care of myself and have hope.
All of my symptoms and struggles are giving me even more hope. I feel completely pregnant! This pregnancy simply feels different than my miscarriages did, and very much like my healthy, full term pregnancies. I plan on having a new baby in our family around January, and that thought makes me happy.
This brings me to another bit of news I've alluded to. I was seriously considering planning an unassisted birth. I've been researching and thinking about it for a couple of years, and felt ready to do it myself. However, when I spoke with my husband about it he expressed some concerns and felt strongly that we should hire the midwife we had with our last birth, our wonderful breech home birth. I was crushed at first to have to reconsider the plans that were so close to my heart, but as I thought and prayed about it I realized that I wouldn't be giving anything up by hiring my midwife again.
My main reason for wanting to have an unassisted birth was to learn to rely completely on my personal inspiration from God to guide me every step of the way. I wanted to learn to listen to my body and determine its needs without relying on another person to tell me what they thought it needed. I realized that I can still do this with a midwife, and my desires and my husband's concerns could all be taken care of. My midwife had already told me in my last pregnancy that she would be as hands-off as I want her to be, and I trust her to do that.
I also haven't felt rushed to start prenatal care or try to listen for a heart beat. My midwife wants to schedule my first prenatal visit soon, and I keep putting it off. I don't feel a need to hurry and verify that all is well. I feel, inside, that all is well. As I mentioned, I've already been consulting with her about my exhaustion and she's already proven her value in helping me sort through what I can do about it. I see my midwife as a resource and consultant rather than someone I'm putting my whole reliance on. I love and trust her and recognize her value, but I also trust myself and God to guide me in making the choices that are best for me and my family.
It's interesting that I can be completely physically exhausted and at my limits, but internally at peace. I have this sense of calm that all is well, but I'm still acting like a crazy pregnant lady. This should be a wild ride.